DEAD(ish) Page 4

  DEAD (as a doorpost) - excerpt

  (John)

  I stop dead. Straight in front of me is a hot tub, sure enough, with a blonde woman sitting in it. All I can see is a heap of hair. Well, Sephenia did say the hot tub near the beach hut, and I can't see any other tubs round, so...

  I walk closer, clear my throat, and try to work out what to say. Hi, I'm John, I'm dead. I hear you are too, nice to have something in common, isn't it? I choke down a giggle. Think I'm hysterical or something. This dead lark is freaking me out.

  The blonde woman stands and turns around, and all I can see is that she's naked all the way down. No clothes, no nothing, just skin... whoa. Then I realise that I'm staring at her. God, she must think I'm a freak, ogling her like that. Like we're alive or something.

  Kindly, like she suspects my village is now mourning its idiot, she asks me what I want, prods the story out of me. How I was sent to her to learn the ropes of - well, of being dead, eh? She nods and smiles, and I silently bless her for being so nice. Then she grabs my hand, and I start thinking about her naked again, even though she's midway clothed now in a swimsuit that covers the most embarrassing bits. Darn it.

  Then I manage to get my attention off rude thoughts, because the scene around us fades away and a beach fades in. Bright blue water, white sand, waves that're a surfer's dream. Wow. If I only had a board...

  Linda lies down on a towel on the sand, suddenly dressed in a skimpy bikini, and I lose my train of thought. I tear my eyes away, look around... and there are a few other people stretched out or swimming or surfing. The lot of them, everyone but Linda and I, are stark naked. Holy mother, it's a nudist colony!

  Linda's not a bit concerned. But then, she was naked when I met her too. What in heaven has Sephenia thrown me into?

  (Linda)

  I'm sitting in my hot-tub, lavender-scented bubbles fluffing around me, hot water taking tension out of muscles I know I don't have any more, but I can't resist indulging. Death's funny, you know? It feels a lot like life sometimes, and if you let it, it'll convince you it's exactly the same. Until a huge difference smacks you in the arse, anyhow.

  Someone clears their throat behind me, and I sigh. I'm really not in the mood for Ms Archangel and her dodgy missions. But I turn around, if slowly, and much to my surprise it's not an archangel - it's a fellow deadie. Recent, I guess, judging from the fact he's actually wearing clothes - well, only pants - and that there's a blush spreading over his face. What, I'm naked? Big whooptidoodah. But he's got a kind face, and he's sort of cute, and holy crap, look at those abs?

  I think on a swimsuit - nothing too demure, because I'm dead not old, dammit - and get out of the tub.

  "Hi," I say imaginatively.

  "Hi," he mumbles, still red and looking at the ground.

  Damn, he's really new.

  "What's up?" I ask.

  "Umm... Sephenia told me to talk to you."

  Ms Archangel herself. What, she sent me a present?

  "... she said you'd... show me around?"

  Oh boy, and it ain't even Christmas! That girl's earnt herself a thank-you card.